Bluergh. I’m just not feeling it. And I’m not even sure what it is. This healing business is exhausting. Some days I almost feel “normal” and other days I am so tired I am beside myself with frustration.
I am so desperate to get back to where I was before all this health trauma. I want to go back to dancing, I want to go back to being energetic, and able to focus. It is mind numbingly frustrating to have my brain not where I want it. It feels like a snow globe. All the bits of fake snow are swirling around in pretty patterns not really making a connection to the base.
See I am struggling with memory. I tried to join a choir. Try is not really the word because I made the commitment. It’s just that it seems like a try because I cannot seem to learn/memorize the songs. And the songs are not overly difficult but I just cannot seem to commit the words to memory. The idea of muscle memory isn’t working for me. My brain is acting less sponge like and more like that teflon frying pan. Nothing sticks, even yummy cheesy eggs.
Prior to all this crappy health stuff, I was able to memorize choreography, lyrics to songs, remember events, and things to do. Now I’m addled. Urgh.
I just read an older article from the Globe and Mail that was discussing the relation between memory issues and anaesthetic from surgeries. Maybe that is the root of my problem? Maybe it is party caused by the copious drugs I was taking? Maybe it is from the interrupted sleep I have? Or maybe it is from the fact my brain does not stop rehashing the events of the past year?
Or maybe, like the rest of me, my brain is just plain tired from all this healing. It seems to take a lot of energy. Maybe I need to renew my patience card? It’s not like that was ever my strong suit. And maybe, just maybe I need to accept where I am and let life just flow. Be that annoying surfer dude who rides the big waves without a care for anything else but his hairdo and board wax.
Which reminds me (the hairdo comment that is), I was offered my first seniors discount last week. Apparently I need to up my hair and makeup game and bling out my crutches.