Bluergh. I’m just not feeling it. And I’m not even sure what it is. This healing business is exhausting. Some days I almost feel “normal” and other days I am so tired I am beside myself with frustration.
I am so desperate to get back to where I was before all this health trauma. I want to go back to dancing, I want to go back to being energetic, and able to focus. It is mind numbingly frustrating to have my brain not where I want it. It feels like a snow globe. All the bits of fake snow are swirling around in pretty patterns not really making a connection to the base.
See I am struggling with memory. I tried to join a choir. Try is not really the word because I made the commitment. It’s just that it seems like a try because I cannot seem to learn/memorize the songs. And the songs are not overly difficult but I just cannot seem to commit the words to memory. The idea of muscle memory isn’t working for me. My brain is acting less sponge like and more like that teflon frying pan. Nothing sticks, even yummy cheesy eggs.
Prior to all this crappy health stuff, I was able to memorize choreography, lyrics to songs, remember events, and things to do. Now I’m addled. Urgh.
I just read an older article from the Globe and Mail that was discussing the relation between memory issues and anaesthetic from surgeries. Maybe that is the root of my problem? Maybe it is party caused by the copious drugs I was taking? Maybe it is from the interrupted sleep I have? Or maybe it is from the fact my brain does not stop rehashing the events of the past year?
Or maybe, like the rest of me, my brain is just plain tired from all this healing. It seems to take a lot of energy. Maybe I need to renew my patience card? It’s not like that was ever my strong suit. And maybe, just maybe I need to accept where I am and let life just flow. Be that annoying surfer dude who rides the big waves without a care for anything else but his hairdo and board wax.
Which reminds me (the hairdo comment that is), I was offered my first seniors discount last week. Apparently I need to up my hair and makeup game and bling out my crutches.
I am a little behind schedule. It’s been a noisy week. And a sad week. I find myself turning on the news only to turn it off again a few moments later. Either the newscaster is talking about the horrific event in Quebec City. Or she is telling us about Trump’s latest blowhardic nonsense. Or if I am particularly unlucky it is himself clogging the airways with what I consider idiocy. But I have no intention to make this station about the Man in Orange. Sorry for even bringing him up.
Either way it was all very noisy and my heart feels unsettled. And with that unsettled feeling my thoughts have become even hard to catch. And like my desire to keep trying to find good news in the news, I might be trying for the impossible.
I truly feel like we are all the same but essentially different. The world would be such a dreadful place if we were all the same. But yet we are the same in that we carry such a great ability to love, hate, and feel overwhelmed. And I think more and more of us are feeling overwhelmed and I really hate that because I know that feeling so well.
Finding out you have a bunch of tumours in your body that are uninvited and clearly unwanted is overwhelming. Feeling alone and isolated is overwhelming. Feeling sad and not being able to not be sad is wretchedly overwhelming. Making a to-do list of what seems like epic proportions is overwhelming. Looking at a list of unpaid bills is overwhelming. See, I’m sure I don’t need to go on. I have a feeling you know what I’m writing about.
Maybe we are all overwhelmed these days. So rather than leave that Bell Let’s Talk day in last month, maybe we all need to continue to chat about how we feel. I know telling a bunch of loved friends I was feeling littered by tumours helped me. I know chatting about the noise of the current week would help too. And trying to find happiness, just even a smidgen everyday.
I’m trying really hard to find the happy in every day. It isn’t very easy when you don’t feel well. But I am learning you can borrow some from someone else. Today I tried yoga, I was clearly not the most fluid or balanced. But I didn’t fall over. That my friends is something to be joyous over. Because I was like a bowling candlepin. I was tipping and swaying and I even saw my neighbour look nervously at me. I think perhaps she was wondering if she was fast enough to evade my falling frame.
So my friends dust off a little happy. Even if it is realizing there is enough milk for your tea or the fact that that when you smile in the mirror someone beautiful is smiling back at you.